It is a moment to remember in the midst of swirling amnesias, the need to be loyal to myself.
My allegiances have been strong, a fit soldier to the end, and the end is now.
Now, the war has turned and I must become a warrior, like those I have taught.

Forgive me for what appears to be disloyalty now as you go off to your victory parade at last. You don’t need me to sit on the curb and applaud this time do you? You are full of your own confetti and streamers and your fans will come from elsewhere.

You are saved. And now I must save myself. There is one spark left in me and I saved it for myself. And you stand there with no gratitude or insight that it is manna from God, given me so I can now enter the Promised Land too. You say you “don’t understand.” I believe you.